i think alot of people have this deluded misconception i'm this ultra sociable guy. like this social butterfly that just flutters from people to people and hits it off with everybody like i've known them since primary three. but unfortunately, the opposite is the case.
quite a few of my friends have been like asking me,
"hey, you wanna join me and my friends for clubbing later?"
or
"is it okay if my friend joins us for dinner tonight?"
or like they just invite me for random social events.
i mean i do get that they've got good intentions and all but amongst strangers i just become this really introverted and shy guy. in simple terms, i become this social retard. now, dont roll your eyes at me when i say i'm shy. i am okay! i mean i dont come across as shy to my friends but to strangers i just clam up. i don't know why. maybe i guess i feel like they dont know me yet so they'll judge everything i say and do, so if i dont really do anything i'll be fine. or maybe i'm just afraid i make a terrible first impression and i dont wanna come across as a retard.
so all this fear of what others think of me create this armour around me that somewhat mentally protects me but at the same time shut me off. like a defense mechanism that protects strangers from seeing the real me and thus, judging me. in the end, i dont feel happy because i feel so restricted as i have to put on a front.
i dont know. maybe it's just me. i guess i'm weird like that. trust me, this is the least of my weirdness. there's all this other stuff about me that you'll find damn weird. like my concepts of sanctuary and my taste in fashion and music. its all just so different.
hopefully, one day i'll find a way to embrace it all. but for now, i'm stuck with being that weird kid.
alijoe
